Happy VALAntine Day!
by HDorothy
Summary: Jack's Plan A involves the perfect romantic Valentine Day with Sam. One problem, no one told Vala. Whoops!


TITLE: Happy VALAntine Day!

Hi, readers, despite what some fans might think I do like Vala. She's such a fun character to write about. Then mix her with my favorite characters Jack and Sam and it's even more hilarious!

I want to thank everyone who's sent me a review online and off. Thanks, you're feedback makes doing what I do all that more enjoyable! - HailDorothy

Now on with the story. . . .

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February 14th

SGC: Gate Room

Happy VALAtine Day!

Samantha Carter was an optimist and rarely in bad form. That included not expecting this last minute mission General Landry had pulled out of his back pocket just hours before her week's vacation with Jack. But since she was officially on duty for another eight hours she'd reluctantly said, "Yes sir," with a smile.

Besides she had so much to look forward too, an entire week with Jack and no holds barred. They'd probably never leave their house, let alone their bed. Yeah, it'd be special. Not only was it Valentine Day, this was their first-year wedding anniversary. A special day they'd kept to themselves save for a few close friends like Daniel, Teal'c and Cassandra. Sadly, there were busybody high mucky mucks that'd like nothing more than to drag General Jack O'Neill through the ringer, reproving that their marriage was the result of an eight-year affair—that never happened.

The President and General Hammond weren't about to take chances, so she and Jack had strict orders to keep their marriage mum for now. At least, they'd been allowed to date. Sam didn't see the difference between dating and marriage. Still a court-martial was not on her or Jack's agendas. So they planned secret rendezvous' and snuck about like teenagers breaking curfew. Not that she minded—yet. She just couldn't imagine how they'd deal when she got pregnant, a matter they were earnestly working to make happen.

"Chevron one locked," Walter announced as the gate started the dialing sequence.

"We'll see you in six hours, SG-1," General Landry said from the control room and smiled at the team.

"Yes, sir." Mitchell saluted, then turned back as they waited for the wormhole to open. "Should be a pleasant day at the beach, kids."

"Ay, yes, salty air, white sands, warm tropical sea. I could get used to that." Daniel smiled as he adjusted his sunglasses. "I brought books."

"Yuck!" Vala scoffed, "I brought," she patted her front pockets. "Dang, I swore I brought my bikini."

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Cameron chortled with a smug smile.

Sam scowled.

"Oh, not that!" Cameron quickly recovered. "So did everyone lather up with sunscreen?"

"I did," said Vala. "But someone will have to do my shoulders and back once we get there," she winked at Daniel.

"Vala, I lotioned your backside." Sam snickered. "And I put your bikini back in your locker. We're on duty, remember."

"Thanks, Sam." Daniel rolled his eyes.

Vala stuck out her tongue.

"What's with you guys?" Sam eyed up her counterparts. "I'd swear you took happy pills."

"Nothing's up," Mitchell explained, "Just according to the M.A.L.P. we're in for a lovely balmy day on a tropical moon with beaches that go on forever," he made a wave gesture. "Heck, anything beats the February blizzard going on topside."

Sam shifted her backpack and then slipped the P-90 rifle over her blonde head and adjusted the strap so she could rest her right arm on the weapon. "I guess. But I can't wait to snuggle up tonight with Andrea Bocelli singing in the background and—"

"Andrea?" Vala piped in curiously. "Who's he?"

"Just the world's hottest Italian tenor." Sam sighed and continued, "along with a spiked-hot chocolate, while sitting in front of my fireplace and watching the snow softly blanket the world." She closed her eyes imagining Jack making passionate love to her. _Um, was it warm in here? _

"_Anyone _particular you plan to shag—err um snuggle?" Vala asked with a mischievous tone and wink. "Maybe Andrea Broccoli?"

"It's Bo-cell-i," Sam properly pronounced, then faced the gate to hide the color staining her face.

"Hey, what's with this Italian tenor? I thought she and O'Neill were an item." Vala elbowed Daniel.

"Shush!" He warned then dodged the brunette before she asked more questions he'd sworn not to answer.

The men exchanged looks. Mitchell and Daniel knew exactly whom Sam planned to snuggle. Per usual Vala was too self-absorbed to see the bigger picture.

"Well, let's go do what we do." Sam prepared to lead her team minus Teal'c who was off world with SG-3. "Since this address came from General O'Neill's Ancient download list, I hope we find something besides sand and that burnt-out DHD that I'll be repairing. I still wonder when it got fried. It looked rather recent." She chewed her lower lip.

"Nah, probably by the Goa'uld eons ago." Daniel offered, avoiding her gaze.

"Well let's hope the moon is really deserted," she said hopefully.

"Oh, ya never know, who might be hanging around." Mitchell threw in to Daniel's eyeballing. "I'm just saying." He cleared his throat, "And, hey, I'm glad the M.A.L.P. revealed the DHD is not operational or we'd be up a creek without a paddle."

"As long as they keep the gate open on this end, we're fine." Sam assured them.

"Didn't we have problems with that last week . . .our gate shutting down with SG-7 off world, like twice?" Vala asked.

"Yes, but Siler and I got the kinks worked out. I'd explain how, but I'd bore you with the mundane details, which I find fascinating, actually—"

"And we appreciate your sincere consideration, Sam." Mitchell chuckled interrupting.

Sam shrugged. Some things hadn't changed.

"Oh, that wouldn't be so bad." Vala sighed.

"What?" Daniel glanced back at the perky brunette dressed in desert BDU's. "Hearing Sam's techno babble?"

"No. Two available men with two hot beautiful women on a desolate tropical moon—"

Sam snorted, color rising in her cheeks.

Daniel groaned. "Oh, here we go . . ."

Cameron shuddered then caught Sam's arched brows and frown. "Hey," he leaned into her. "Since you're already taken, and Daniel and Vala are an unofficial couple, I'd be the odd man out."

"Hardly," she whispered. "Vala likes you. She told me she thinks you're a sexy hunk of a man meat."

"Augh! Hey, whose side you on?" he sounded affronted.

"Chevron seven locked!" Walter announced.

"It's called team-ship, Cam." She quipped with a grin. After the event horizon flushed she walked toward the ramp.

"So would some one explain this holiday you call Valentine Day?" Vala asked.

"She's all yours, boys." Sam laughed and kept walking.

"Don't look at me," Cameron raised his hands and shook his head no.

Daniel glared at his two friends before he turned to Vala and explained. "It's a human celebration. Lovers, husbands and wives send their significant others, salutations of love. They exchange gifts like flowers and chocolate and spend time alone," he cleared his throat and glanced at Cameron and Sam's grinning faces.

"Oh, you mean they have lots of sex?" Vala gave Daniel her come-hither look. "Did I mention I love chocolate almost as much as I love sex?"

"Yes, more times than I can count." He mumbled.

Cameron guffawed and motioned to catch up with Sam.

"Well, I think we should enjoy this special day together, starting now." Vala bolted passed everyone, slapped Sam on the shoulders and announced, "Tag, you're it, girlfriend!" and raced for the shimmering blue wormhole.

"You heard her." Sam picked up her pace.

Daniel and Mitchell exchanged horrific looks then yelled in unison, "Vala, no!"

Before either man could intervene Sam chased Vala. Soon as she vanished the wormhole shut down.

"Mitchell," Landry yelled through the control room's intercom, "and Doctor Jackson in my office now!"

Cameron glanced nervously at Daniel. "Like my sweet grandmother used to say, we're plum hogtied to the barrel of a sawed off shotgun."

"Better yet, we're about to be barbecued to a charcoaled crisp over Jack's grill." Daniel groundout. "Since hell hath no fury like General Jack O'Neill when someone messes with his plan A for a perfect Valentine Day."

"Please tell me there's Plan B?" Cameron pleaded, hunching his shoulders as he handed his P-90 over to an airman.

"Nope. But I suggest we come up with one pronto. Because," Daniel nodded at Landry's darkening glower before the General stalked to his office, "Jack's fellow-conspirator isn't a happy camper."

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On the other side of the Stargate in a galaxy very far away.

Vala flew through the Stargate in full running form, which meant she barreled into and knocked over the solid body standing a few feet from the gate's portal.

Sam followed on Vala's heels. The moment she stepped through the gate it closed. She had little time to question that unfortunate occurrence as her attention rested on the intertwined limbs and rather inappropriate pose of the couple sprawled ten feet from her. Two of the legs were hairy, and recognizable. Vala straddled the lean-muscular man while her face was pressed into his. Were they kissing!

"Crap! Get off me!" The gruff voice bellowed from beneath Vala.

"Sir?" Sam hurried the short distance to where Jack O'Neill was securely embraced by Vala who strove to yank something from underneath him.

"Just give them to me, will ya." Vala wailed.

"No!" He argued, but lost the tussle.

"Oh, General, you shouldn't have!" Vala popped upright still straddling Jack's hips. She waved her conquest at Sam, a bouquet of smashed yellow daisies. What in the world was Jack doing here, let alone with daisies?

"Look!" Vala beamed. "He brought me flowers and um, that's candy over there. I do hope it's not the cheap kind." She pointed at the opened heart-shaped box with chocolate candies strewn in the sand. Cheap was not Jack's nature. Sam recognized the box's label. Godiva Chocolate!

"Sir?" She rescued his battered sunglasses from the sand. Behind them the sea's aqua surf crashed onto the beach's white sand and soaring seagulls squawked at their intrusion.

"Carter?" Jack turned his pewter head and blinked into the burning sun.

"Yes, General." Sam stepped forward and blocked the blinding sunlight from his face. "You okay?"

"No! I mean yeah, just peachy." He squirmed and shoved his hands against Vala's feminine torso that was weighed down by a backpack and full gear. "I swear!" Jack huffed as if short-winded, "If she doesn't get off in the next three seconds I'll break her neck like a twig."

"You wouldn't dare!" Vala countered.

"Wanna find out?" Jack threatened making a snapping gesture with his hands. Sam watched the dent between his brows deepen like a crevasse. He was wired!

"Vala." Sam offered the alien her left hand. "You're squishing the General."

"Am not." She addressed Jack. "Despite being ancient you're in great shape. Why your abs are soooo tight." She lifted his shirt, tracing a fingertip along the trail of dark hair from his navel to belt buckle. Jack slapped her hand. She giggled. "Bet you do crunches. And I happen to weigh less than a feather."

"An ostrich feather!" He clutched her waist and rolled over pinning her beneath him.

"Oh, you're such a romantic," Vala snorted and kissed him smack on the mouth. "I always knew you had the hots for me."

"Crap!" Jack rolled off, wiped the back of his hand across his wet lips and shot to his feet.

Sam split into gut aching laughter.

"You think that's funny, Colonel?" He glowered, shaking sand from his unruly gray hair. He so wasn't smiling.

Engaging his proverbial steely glint, Sam leaned on her P-90 and turned professionally somber. "No, sir. Of course not." She glanced away, suppressing a smirk.

"Hey, is there a gentleman in the house?" Vala whined from below.

"Not for you!" Jack huffed and checked his body for missing parts, muttering a string of curses Sam hadn't heard in ages that included giving Vala to the Ori as a peace offering.

"Well." Vala finally accepted Sam's hand and rolled onto her feet. "You don't have to snap my head off, General."

"Oh, I want more than to snap your head off, woman." Jack hurried to collect and dust the sand-coated confectionaries that were melting from the heat.

"He really likes me—a lot." Vala said seriously to Sam, "And like most men he finds me irresistible. You wouldn't mind if I borrowed him for awhile would you?" She glanced around, then noticed, "Hey, where's Daniel and Cam?"

Sam opened her mouth than shut it. She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She glanced at the dead gate and burnt DHD then at her lover as he blew on the melting pieces of Godiva Chocolate, that Vala popped into her mouth like a starving child, while making goggle-eyes at Jack.

Sam wasn't jealous. After all, this was Vala not Kerry Johnson. And Jack had made no bones about how annoying he found Vala's eccentricities. Until this moment, Sam liked and accepted Vala despite her unorthodox ways and lack of propriety. Vala was everything Sam wasn't, that meant totally unpredictable. Sam wondered if Jack considered her so predictable that she bored him. Well she definitely did with science babble. So what would he do with someone like Vala? If given enough time, could the brunette vixen endear herself to Jack like she had to Daniel and Cameron? Could Jack actually fall for unpredictable flamboyant Vala?

Speaking of unpredictable. Sam noticed Jack's brown khakis-short, sandals and a white short-sleeved shirt that contrasted with his sexy tan. A few yards away beneath palm trees set a blanket with a bottle of wine, glasses and candles. Upon further inspection she noticed the large camping tent and two coolers. Holy Hannah, he'd orchestrated this entire fake mission for her!

Repacking the surviving chocolates, Jack glanced over with his brooding brown eyes and mouthed, "Happy Valentine Day, babe."

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"Well?" Landry looked at Walter.

"I'm sorry, sir. It's our fault. Whatever General O'Neill did on his end isn't preventing us from redialing HVD-0214. Soon as chevron four locks the system crashes just like last week. Siler's on it, but I'm afraid Colonel Carter may have to open the gate from her end."

"If she can," Daniel said softly looking at his scuffed boots and wincing.

"Excuse me?" Landry's brows shot into the stiff hairline of his military crew cut.

"Well, sir," Daniel hedged. "Seems the activation memory crystals that I put in Sam's backpack ended up in Cameron's and mine."

"Oh, hells bells!" Hank shouted. "How'd that happen?"

"Um, Vala, sir." Cameron took a step back from the frustrated General. "Apparently she's on an equal opportunity weight mission with our backpacks. She put one crystal in mine and the other in Daniel's with sticky notes, stating that Sam's pack weighed three pounds more than ours and the crystals combined weight was 3.4 lbs."

"Jack'll go ballistic." Hank dropped into the empty chair beside Walter.

The chief sergeant tried to remain inconspicuous but failed. "Bet he's saying _crap_ about now."

Landry glared over.

"Sorry, sir." Walter apologized.

"Don't be. This is where a good sense of humor comes in handy and Jack's got plenty of that."

"Since when?" Daniel looked astonished.

"I wonder how Carter's doing?" Landry muttered.

"I don't even want to think about that, sir." Cameron blew out through his mouth. "But I expect Vala's having a grand ol' time."

"Yeah," Daniel rolled his blue eyes. "Knowing Vala it's all about her."

"Hey, we could have a ship to them in three weeks tops." Cameron snapped his fingers.

Landry glared over his shoulder. "Great. Which means it will take them three weeks to return to earth, without any unforeseen events."

"Three weeks of Jack and Sam stuck with Vala." Cameron spoke his concern. "That's scary." He closed his eyes at the very idea.

Everyone shared looks and shuddered.

"That is frightening," Landry said as he headed toward the stairs and his office.

"So," Cameron brightened, "Siler started a pool and the greenback's are rolling in." He scrubbed his hands together and smiled.

"What kind of pool, sir?" Walter asked.

"Who kills whom first." Cameron replied.

"I'm in." Daniel reached into his back pocket. "I figure Jack'll zat Vala before Sam does."

"Really?" Cameron looked surprised. "Why's that?"

"I know Jack's tolerance level. Very low." Daniel gestured with his hands. "Besides, been there. Done that. It's actually rather pleasurable in a warped way." He smirked recalling the time he shot Vala on the Prometheus.

"Count me in." Walter added. "But my money's on General O'Neill getting put down first. No, wait, I bet Colonel Carter'll zat them both."

Cameron looked at the older, wiser man and shook his head. "You know what's really scary, Walter?"

"What, sir?"

"You're probably right."

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"This sucks!" Sam kicked the dead DHD and slumped to her knees surrounded by technical doodads and several colored crystals except the crystals she needed.

"I'd say she's quite aggravated," Vala announced to Jack, who watched Sam's irritated behavior from a safe distance.

"Maybe if you hadn't taken the crystals out of her backpack she'd be a little more amiable," Jack muttered in return. Yep, he'd not seen Carter this pissed—in oh say, two years. Then again, he wasn't exactly brimming with ecstasy since one obnoxious, Vala Mal Doran, had flushed his romantic week down the preverbal sewer. He now envisioned Vala buried alive in the sand right up to her pretty brunette head. Too bad there weren't any fire ants around.

That aside, Sam had barely spoken to him other than to ask in her furious Carter tone, "Fercryenoutloud, what were you thinking, sir?"

His reply. "Um, give me awhile, wilya." That was an hour ago.

Two feet away Vala continued to spout off. Jack stuck his fingers in his ears to tune her out and failed. He wondered if Sam had duct tape? He wanted to seal the alien's fat mouth shut. He had no idea what Daniel saw in the shapely sharp-tongued woman. Talk about taming of the shrew.

"Hey, how was I to know this fiasco mission was a romantic ruse? But wait? You didn't confide in me like you did everyone else." Vala bent over and got in Jack's face.

_Crap,__She's got one honking big schnoz! Hey! What if she's still a Goa'uld? I could zat her and tell Sam, her eyes glowed. That could work. Sweet! _

"Maybe if you weren't such a pain in the assets, I would've." He shot back. "And need I remind you it says, General on my uniform." He poked at his casual shirt then grimaced when Vala crossed her eyes at his failure to intimidate. There had to be something that'd shut her up.

"Plee-eeze, you're off duty," she haughtily replied, and kicked sand with a bare tanned foot.

"And you're not. Put your boots back on."

"No." She stomped her feet like a petulant child. "It's hot and I wanna swim." She started to unbutton her BDU top. He could care less.

"Fine. Once you're in the water don't bother to come back." He looked over to where Sam dug among the remains of the DHD. He'd fried it good. Maybe too good.

"Will you two shut up!" Sam yelled over her shoulder.

Jack and Vala exchanged alarmed looks. Jack shoved to his feet, then ordered Vala. "Stay!"

"You're a real party pooper, General O'Neill." She dropped to her butt and continued undressing. "I can't imagine what Sam sees in you."

He'd had enough! Jack leaned over and whispered in her ear. Vala gasped and nodded. Watching the color drain from her face, he smiled smugly and walked away. He should have thought of that vulgarity ages ago.

However, as he approached Sam his confidence nose-dived. How would he ever talk his way out of this one? "God help me out here," he literally prayed.

"Something I can do?" He hunkered beside Sam and heard, then felt his fifty-plus-old knees painful creaks. She glanced over and he delivered his naive dimpled look that usually melted walls between them. Not this time. Which meant he was safer standing.

"No. Without the activation memory crystals the DHD won't recognize the dialing sequence. What'd you do to this poor thing, Jack?"

"A couple of zats, a little C-4 . . ." He gulped at her darkening glare. "Well, it seemed doable at the time." He shoved his hands into his short's pockets and rocked back on his heels.

"Ya think."

"Sorry. I got caught up in the moment. And blowing it up was Daniel's idea." He pushed to his feet, bringing her with him. _Speaking of Daniel, he was so dead. So was Mitchell._

"Well that's a first, I mean the blowing up idea not being yours." She quipped and smiled tightly as he touched her warm, flushed cheek with a calloused fingertip. _Time to get her out of the sun._

"Hey, I've got faith in you, Carter. You can fix anything."

"Not without the missing parts."

"Look, Sam. I wanted to give you a memorable Valentine Day. And since we get such little time alone." He rolled his shoulders. "Well, this made sense at the time. You were to come through the gate and then Walter was to shut it down. I didn't expect whatsherface to beat you through or that you wouldn't have the missing crystals. And I don't know when they'll open the gate again."

"Just rosy!" Sam groused with that steely blue-eyed glint that meant they were in trouble.

"Why?"

"Because the SGC gate shut down twice last week. We couldn't get it to track passed the 4th chevron before the system froze-up. I really thought I'd solved the problem replacing the ion wiring and—."

"Oy Vey! You mean we're stuck here?"

"Looks that way. How'd you arrive?"

"Oh, about an hour before you did through the gate." He glanced to where Vala had stripped down to her lacy black bra and matching g-string. "Crap! That's so not Air Force regulated underwear." He gulped, appreciating Vala's sexy little figure.

"No it's not." Sam gaped. "I assume she's doing that for your benefit."

"Why? I mean she knows we're married."

"No she doesn't." Sam glanced off.

"What? Cameron knows and she doesn't?"

"It hasn't come up. Besides she and I are still getting to know each other and—"

"Crap!"

"Jack, what'd you tell her?" Sam glared up at him.

"Um, when she asked what you saw in me I referenced my shoe size and well ya know." He blushed and glanced at his size twelve sandals.

"You've got to be kidding!"

"Hey, it shut her up."

"You couldn't have just told her that I'm madly in love with you and you're madly in love with me, yada yada?"

"Hey, I was pissed and I'm a guy. So, I didn't think." He scrunched his face.

"Ya think! Great, now she's out to seduce you. As you so often say, this is wrong on so many levels."

"Sam, I'm a happily married man and not interested in . . .huh . . . Is that one of those see-through bras?" He glanced over Sam's shoulder.

"Don't you dare look, Jack O'Neill!"

"Sooo not looking." He covered his eyes but his male libido made him spread his fingers as Vala raced into the water. A shadow fell across his line of vision. Jack dropped his hands to stare into Sam's unhappy but gorgeous face. "That was peeping, not looking." He defended.

"You base male chauvinist pig!" Sam stalked off.

Confused, Jack mouthed her remark. Man, she'd never called him that one before. He chased after her. "Wait up, Carter."

Sam halted and shook a fist at him. "Anniversary or not, I refuse to stay with a man-crazy Vala and a horny, ornery old General."

"Hey, I'm not old." He yelled back.

"Too old for that," she flagged a hand to where Vala romped in the waves.

"And your point?" He grinned hoping to humor her.

"As of now, you sleep alone."

"A-alone?" His hands directed traffic.

"Yes. Someone's leaving ASAP and it's not me!" She headed in Vala's direction.

"Ahh, crap!" He followed at a slower gait, as he wasn't supposed to admire the hot woman prancing practically naked in the surf. Ah do'h! When had Vala gone from obnoxious to hot? What was he thinking? Oy, he wasn't! Sam was right. This was wrong on so many levels. He had to act—now.

Boots and all, Sam strode into the incoming tide and yelled at Vala who proceeded to remove her bra. Nice rack! Jack squared his shoulders and marched toward the water. He had no doubt about whom he planned to spend time with on this tropical paradise. He just hoped he didn't get court-martialed for his actions.

"Vala, out now! That's an order!" Sam shouted above the surf.

Vala splashed water at her. "Come on in, it's glorious!"

Sam frowned and glanced back at him. Jack shrugged innocently but the leacherous grin on his face refused to fade. She glared and reached for her zat.

Vala said something about skinny-dipping.

"No!" Sam yelled.

Vala called Sam a prude. Then the brunette gave Sam the bird. Whoops!

Just as Vala cleared the water to step out of her g-string, Sam fired her zat.

Vala looked stunned when Sam shot her. She shook like a fish out of water, then collapsed. Apparently the electrical charge and water didn't mix well. Cool. One down, one to go. Jack reached into his back pocket where he'd slipped out his zat. He watched Sam drag Vala's dead weight farther up onto the beach then rolled her onto her stomach, leaving less to Jack's imagination. Dang. Sam stood and brushed sand from her hands and pants then turned and smiled.

Jack sauntered up to his wife, "So what do we do with her now?"

"Dress her, then tie her up until she promises to behave."

"Sam, you really don't expect zatting Vala will change her wacko exhibitionist ways?"

"No. But unless you have a better idea, we're spending Valentine Day and our anniversary as a three-some."

"Um isn't there's a French term for that, amassagemeall?" His dimples tucked deep with a grin.

"You're sick." She slugged his shoulder.

"Hey, I'm a guy. And I'm teasing. I don't share well, remember?" He leaned over and kissed her softly on the mouth then stepped back. "And that's why I have to do this." He fired a single zat shot at her.

Sam gawked and then crumbled at his feet.

"Crap!" Jack dropped to his knees and lifted his wife's limp head onto his lap and then brushed back her blonde hair. "I swear, Samantha, that hurt me more than it did you. But a man's gotto do what a man's gotta do."

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SGC:

"Unscheduled off world activation," announced over the base intercom.

"General," Harriman said as Hank entered the control room. "We're receiving an I.D.C. from HVD-0214."

"Whose?"

"General O'Neill's."

"Great. So'd Carter work a miracle, sir?" Mitchell announced bounding up the stairs to stand beside Landry.

"Don't know yet, Colonel. Open the iris, Walter." Landry ordered.

Daniel sprinted into the room. "What'sup?"

"Apparently Sam fixed the DHD," said Cameron.

"How? I mean Jack fried it and we've got the replacement parts."

"Don't know." Landry injected, "But Siler's still working on our gate issue. Let's just hope it stays open long enough for Colonel Carter to return and fix it. We're just lucky that anyone dialing-in can return to base."

Daniel and Cameron raced into the gate room as Walter announced, "Incoming wormhole."

A body rolled through the gate and down the ramp. Vala!

The wormhole shut.

"Walter!" Landry bellowed.

"Sorry, sir, that wasn't us." Walter shrugged.

In the gate room Cameron and Daniel reached Vala who was squirming in her confines as her ankles and wrists were bound and her mouth tapped.

"Wow!" Daniel observed the duct taped raving female. "I'd say this is Jack's handy work."

"Umgrphanmeee!" Vala said through her sealed lips.

Daniel cocked his head. "I don't know. I rather like the idea of a silent Vala."

"Me too." Cameron chuckled grinning down at her.

Vala's dark eyes flashed with rage as she struggled to break free.

"Release her, Colonel!" Landry ordered from the booth.

"Um, yes, sir." Cameron bent over and ripped the tape from her mouth.

"She zatted me!" Vala wailed.

Daniel glanced at Cameron who put out his hand. "Pay up!"

"Gee, I could have sworn Jack would have shot her." Daniel rarely lost a bet.

"No, but he shot Sam." Vala chuckled.

"And you know this how?" Daniel asked using his jackknife to free her.

"She was still unconscious when he taped me up and pushed me through the gate. Oh, I've never been so humiliated in my life! He dressed me and I wasn't able to appreciate any of it, coz I was knocked out!"

"The General dressed you?" Daniel asked wide-eyed.

"Yes, I was skinny dipping and then he . . ."

"Um, Cam, I think this is where we put our fingers in our ears and as Jack would say, hum loudly," Daniel suggested as he jammed his fingers into his ears.

"Ditto!" Cameron did likewise and they walked away humming while Vala followed, ranting and flaying her arms like a scorned woman.

In the control room, Walter asked, "General, I don't understand why General O' Neill would zat Vala, send her back, and then shut down the gate."

Hank smiled. "No need, Walter." He chuckled. "Just never underestimate a desperate man, especially Jack O'Neill."

Ten minutes later:

"General, we thought you should see this note Vala found in her backpack." Cameron handed the scrunched paper over to Hank.

"Look's like Jack's handwriting," Hank commented.

"Oh, it is." Daniel acknowledged with a sly smirk.

"Hank, sorry I messed with your gate, but as I said before, I'm a desperate man. You'll find the particulars to repair the gate's computer taped under Walter's desk . . ."

"Sir." Walter reached under the computer desk and yanked the envelope free. In the dark like everyone else, he opened it and gaped at the intricate hand-drawn diagram that only a scientist or engineer would comprehend.

Hank read on, "Don't worry, Daniel, I always have a plan B. Don't call us. We'll call you." Happy Valentine Day, Jack and Sam O'Neill."

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Sam groaned softly and rolled over. Her head ached and her mouth tasted like cotton. She'd felt this way before. Crap, she'd been zatted—by her husband!

"Hey there, beautiful." Jack's endearment made Sam open her eyes and focuse. Palm tree branches swayed overhead, while Mother Nature put on a spectacular light show that included a simultaneous sunset and rising twin moons. Smoke drifted from a fire pit. And a roasting duck turned slowly on a barbecue rotisserie.

Man, she'd been out for hours! Why? Romantic music played nearby. Was that Andrea Bocelli singing, _My Funny Valentine_?

"Happy anniversary, Mrs. O'Neill."

"Umm." Sam nodded, then winced at the pounding in her temples.

"How ya feel?" Jack's warm minty breath fanned her left earlobe.

"Slight concussion, a little gas, headachy . . .Ya know the usual," she mimicked his singsong response whenever she raised such concern. She turned onto her right side and faced him. Her breath hitched at his rugged beauty. Jack's chest was bare and his long legs poked out from beneath a blanket that covered them. Sam lifted the coverlet and peeked. They were butt naked!

'Jack?" she asked with a strained voice, uncertain if she should be mad or glad.

"Um, sorry about that, but I was desperate." He pointed at the zat a few feet away. "You didn't give me a choice." He drew her closer and she felt his muscle-toned body conform to her softness.

"I didn't? Wait! Where's Vala?"

"Safely back on base?"

"How?"

He started to nibble the arch of her neck. "Um, does it matter?" He blew feather like kisses against her warm skin.

"Yes," She eased from his seductive embrace. "It matters."

"She's fine, Sam. The gate opened and I kicked her pretty tight butt through it."

"You what?" She gasped.

"Okay, let me rephrase that. I hog-tied her with duct tape and gently rolled her through the gate."

"Oh! She must have been livid." The thought caused a smile to spread across her face as she circled her arms around his neck.

"Um, let's just say she was speechless."

"Now that'd I'd have loved to see. Wait! You-you dressed her."

"Well, um, yeah, I had to. But I swear my eyes were glued shut—most of the time. 'Sides, if I'd sent her in her g-string, Hank would have stroked."

"So would Daniel." She snorted.

"Yes, well let's not dwell. However, soon as we return Daniel and I must talk regarding his twisted taste in women."

"We're going back?" she pouted.

"Yep, in exactly six days, twelve hours, eighteen minutes and thirty-one seconds. Now, if I recall, this is not only Valentine Day, but our first anniversary as husband and wife." He removed her wedding band from where it hung with her dog tags and slipped it back on her left ring finger. Sam followed suit and slipped his silver band onto his ring finger.

"Someday soon, we'll wear these in public, Sam." He kissed her hand.

"I hope so." She smiled up at him.

"I know so." He grinned, his dimples tucking deep along his lean mouth. "I've loved you for so long, Samantha, and nothing is every going to keep us apart."

"Oh, Jack, I love you too." She shuddered as his talented hands tracked down her spine urging her closer.

"Always."

"Jack?" she murmured between pleasurable sighs.

"Wha-at?" he whined.

"In order to open the gate you had to repair the fried DHD."

"Who said I opened the gate?"

"Well, if there's a glitch on the SGC's end, you'd have to dial from here, right?"

"Sam, you promised no techno-babble."

"I know but—" He flicked his tongue in her ear and she turned to warm Jell-O. "Later," she sighed, "We'll talk later . . ."

"Excellent, babe." Jack nonchalantly eased a hand from Sam's sensuous curves and with the tips of outstretched fingers shoved two blue crystals back beneath their discarded clothes. He had no idea how long he'd avoid telling Sam that he'd removed the crystals before he'd blown-up the DHD, and that he'd retained most of the Ancient's downloads. A lot more fun to play dumb Jack.

Returning his attention to his gorgeous hot wife, Jack captured her mouth and kissed her soundly. Sam intertwined her legs around his waist and made full body contact.

"Oh, sir!"

"D'oh!" Jack's breath hitched sharply. "Carter, I swear, that's not my sidearm."

"I know, sir. Now shut up and make love to me."

"Yeah sure ya betcha."

The End

HAPPY VALENTINE DAY SHIPPERS!!


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